Cuckoo

Did I like the play One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?

I enjoyed it a lot. I didn't exactly enjoy the book or the play itself, but in class, I enjoyed listening to everyone play the different roles. In the play I did like McMurphy's character though. I know it sounds kind of plain since I enjoyed the main character of the play the best, but to me it doesn't matter much.

McMurphy reminds me of the "tough guy" that ends up going soft by the end of what ever event your in; like the end of the play with Chief Bromden. I guess that's almost the same with a lot of us today. Everyone always puts up their own shields, no matter how open you truly are. Of course, someone ends up meeting you, and there's this click that happens and you realize you can be a lot more of yourself instead of something that you're not. I guess the reason why I liked McMurphy so much is the fact that he reminds me the most of what real life is like.

There is also Nurse Ratched.............

She's another person or character in the play that reminds me of something that's in real life. I can't believe one person can be so mean, or corrupt as another way of saying it. I mean, I can believe it, because there are people like that now and in our world, but usually those are the people I try not to hit heads with. She's very manipulative and I like the way Nurse Ratched went about doing certain things. She is sneaky, and somewhat of a backstabber. She made me like the play a little more, since she brought so much conflict into it.

Why do I write?

It's 7:40 P.M. right now and I have some free time on my hands, even though this is a Sunday night. I'm beginning to think why do I like to write? What fuels it? What inspires me?

Well of course there are so many answers, but first, you would need to know more about who I am and what I am truly like.

I moved here about 2 going on 3 years ago. I was in one of those towns that had dominate "ethnic backgrounds". By all means please don't think I'm bias, because I am far from it, but at times it felt like I shouldn't express myself openly. As a consequence, I turned to writing......

Then, when my family and I moved here, I had to deal with my last of my three first dogs ever, having to be put to sleep. I was there when he began to convulse, and I was the one who lifted 80 pounds of him to put him in my mom's jeep. A death of a pet, of a family member, pushed me even further. I understand that some people don't like cats, dogs, both, or any kind of animal, but imagine if you lost a family member........

Soon after, I was tested once again. My grandfather passed away right before Halloween that year. Believe me, I wasn't depressed then, and I am not depressed now. But, my grandfather was the one who always helped me with things I didn't understand; whether it was about life in general or school. When he passed away, I couldn't cry, and I didn't. Well, I did eventually, and now I still really haven't let go. His memory is still with me and I still love to write, because he enjoyed it. I guess that's also why I try so hard for school as well. Since he helped me so much with school, I want to keep my grades up, and do the best that I can, as a way to make him happy. It's also for myself though, because I know what happens now, will reflect what happens in my future, and I want to keep my future bright.

I guess you can almost say after all of that, I changed. It wasn't exactly good or bad. I got a lot more reserved, and I didn't want to talk to anyone. When I first moved here I was the same way and I didn't want to talk much. 9th grade was tough for me, and I began writing poetry as a way to make myself feel better. It's worked a lot and now I made a 180 degree turn. I've gotten a lot more open with people and I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind. On top of everything, I am still a writer, and I still get inspired, but by more positive things instead of the negative. I'm glad I moved, and I'm glad that I have changed myself, because if I didn't I would probably be a loner.

What kind of person am I now?

Just a normal person, who just happened to hit a tough spot in this huge adventure! I would rather write, so I can keep it alive in my mine.

1st Journal Entry From This Marking Period

I know.........

This is a day late.

Yesterday happened to be one of those days when I end up staying home. I don't know why the weather can't just make up its mind. But anyway, I don't want to talk about how horrible I was feeling yesterday. I have another poem to share.............

A Different World

Clouds pass over my head,

Sleep passes over,

My eyelids fall like lead,

My body is covered,

Walking through fog,

Finding my way through,

Tripping over logs,

Don't know where I am going to,

Thoughts clouded around,

Not sure which one is right,

So silent there's no sound,

From each way you can't catch sight,

Of anything in front of you,

In this solace world you dream,

Not knowing what you do,

Overall, it's not what it seems.

Writing.......... thinking..........

They seem to go hand in hand don't they? I have noticed you can have such odd dreams. With me, usually I have one dream and then I see the continuation of it with certain twists and turns. Sometimes it can often last for a week or more, which I find kind of odd. Many people say that you work out the problems you have in everyday life in your dreams, but I'm not so sure.

I know of people having dreams of what they want their life to be. Sometimes, they can tell the future in some odd ways. The best part about dreams though is that they give you something to hope for, and to reach out to be able to grasp them. Having some sort of realistic dream one night can give you some perspective and help you out during your day.

I guess dreaming is my kind of outlet besides poetry.

Who knows?

Turning Over A New Leaf

In the last couple of weeks I have realized that stressing out just isn't worth it anymore. I have decided not to try to kill myself over something like school. Today I didn't have that much homework and in the past couple of weeks I have noticed that I am a lot more relaxed compared to usual. I have finally decided that simple is the road to take, and I don't always have to be perfect.........

Why not be simple?

Get lost in thought,

Open up your eyes a lot,

Choose everything to sample,

Don't stop there though,

Don't stress out,

There's no need to shout,

No need to let everyone know,

Make life easier,

Make it longer,

Let yourself get stronger,

Don't make it harder,

Smile a little,

Show your expressions,

You may teach yourself a lesson,

Or make yourself a riddle,

Life is something you should live,

Not something to think about,

Or plan out,

It's something that should make you shiver.

I wrote this today, Monday, November 13, 2006.

~Live And Let Live~

~If you are going to cause yourself stress, let it be in action, not thought~

I guess something has changed to make me view everything that I see now. Everything seems a little brighter, and clearer to me. My head is always held up high, and I'm not afraid to show the bubbly side of myself (which a lot of people don't have the chance to see). The best part of realizing stress is not the answer to make your life feel "complete" is that I actually smile and laugh which definitely shows me!!

I think stress hides your personality, and what's truly inside of yourself that you usually to busy to show.

NO MORE STRESSING!!!

My Childhood Memory

My Childhood memory....

Jumping into ball pits!

I used to love doing that so much as a kid!!! I can remember going to places with them. I can even remember the laughing and screaming of other kids being so addictive and catching on right away. The smell of the plastic, sometimes being so strong that it would give me a headache. I can remember always grabbing a blue one (which is my favorite color now) and would give it to one of my brothers. I also would try to reach the bottom, and I remember trying to hold my breath because I thought jumping into the ball pit was the same concept at jumping into the water. During one time or another I can even remember pushing my arm against a whole bunch of them, becuase I liked the smooth feeling, and the fact that they were usually cold. The biggest memory of all about this though; screaming and being so upset that I had to leave!!!!

What we would do when we were young to get something we wanted or enjoyed....

Now, it's only a memory.......

My Sounds Story

SOUNDS ALERT!!! This is my sounds story (no title)

I watched him slowly, pace across the back lawn. I wanted to scream at him what was the matter with him, but his head was low, and his bright eyes turned gray, while staring at the blades of grass. I saw a small smile fade away from his face as the sound of crickets, and other insects became so much more intense. During the summer; such a beautiful night; how could anyone be upset today?

“What’s the matter with you?” I said sarcastically, while smiling. “You need to lighten up a little. There can’t be anything wrong with you,” I kept prying to find out what was wrong.

There was a light wind that began to blow. All of the trees began to swing, and you could hear the slight whistling of the wind underneath the sound of the crickets. Jay’s face began to tighten as he stared at me. His eyes brightened up as soon as he realized I was concerned. That brightness faded away soon, making him seem more upset than he was before. I saw his eyes began to water; small tears began to fill up, and I saw a single drop trail down from his left eye and stop at his chin. He wiped it away and turned his back to me.

“Why would you care?” he asked with an outraged tone. “Don’t worry about it… it… it… doesn’t concern you. Why do you always have to be in my business?”

“Because,” I began, “You’re my cousin, and overall, what could you have done wrong to get in trouble, or for that matter, look at pitiful as you do now?” I asked teasing.

“You’ll never find out,” he said smiling.

He gave out this odd laugh that made me remember of how he and I used to be. His laugh rose above the crickets’ music, almost drowning it out. It was so addictive that I began laughing so hard, to the point where my stomach tightened up. Jay smiled at me, with his wide smile, along with his green eyes dancing back and forth. That was when I realized he was making a joke.

“You’re such a brat!” I yelled at him.

He straightened his body, letting his hair be taken by the wind. He turned his back to me and walked toward the house. He turned once again and shook his head at me. He winked, letting the light hit his eyes, which made them so much brighter. His tall silhouette faded in the darkness of the house. He shut the door behind him, softly. I just sat back down on the deck, and listened to the music again. It sounds so much more beautiful than before, and so much more up beat. All I could really think of Jay and how he always teases me…..

“Why does he always win? One of these days… one of these days… I’m going to finally get him back!” I said to myself out loud.

Some more poetry "When Darkness Falls"

When Darkness Falls

Walking through the door,

Soaking in the darkness,

Conscience always playing a role,

Whether or not to confess,

Peering across the rooms,

Looking at the walls,

Watching outside in mid-day,

But yet, darkness falls,

Start aimlessly,

Walk towards a light ring,

That disappears before your eyes,

So upsetting you begin to cling,

You vision yourself in the bright of day,

Soaking up the rays of the sun,

Trying to escape the dingy light,

But you cannot take back what you have done,

The shadows reach for you,

Knowing you've done something wrong,

Everything you have done consumes all,

You try to change your life to make it better,

But you are lost when the Darkness Falls!

October 20, 2006 (Friday)

Your inner-most thoughts and your own actions help create problems in your life and provide a base for deepest darkness to fall. It does not just pick and choose, because darkness is corruption, and corruption can only come from something immoral. So, the next time, before you are going to take action, think to yourself.....

What happens if it can be so small, but at the same time force my life to change? What would happen if I couldn't take back what I have already done?

Another Journal Entry

How am I supposed to explain today? Well... for starters I really wish that teachers would realize when you give students a lot of homework to do, the results may not be that pleasant. If you are someone like me you feel like your head is going to explode and your going to see your own brain splattered across the wall!!!!!

That's how I feel today!!!!

First period started off in Physics and I don't have much work in that class, really just reading. For English I have to fix my notebook (which isn't that messy), but I also need to finish these questions for the story we're reading in class, and all that's due tomorrow. Also for Spanish 4 I have to finish drawing this comic strip thing, which is going to take some time, since when I'm drawing I have to make sure that it is done right in the first place. Now I'm in creative writing; not bad at all. I won't have much work, but needless to say, right when I thought that for once I would have a really nice weekend I was wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AP History II - Please just kill me (just kidding), but all of a sudden we got a DBQ sprung on us at the last moment and it's due on this coming Monday and we just got it today. Perfect huh??

Yeah, and for pre-calc I have to study for a quiz but I'm not sure how to do something for it... I guess I'll figure it out eventually. By period 8 I also get to take a make-up test in AP History, which I'm expecting to go crazy so what does it really matter?

All of this for getting good grades. I know that it's worth it no matter how much time I take out for homework and school, but this is ridiculous!!!! All students have lives and every year mine seems to dissolve before me, so it is sometimes so annoying!!!!!!!!